Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
