I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
