i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
