Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
