On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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