im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
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She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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