Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
