Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
