The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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