Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
