The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
