how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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