If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level