Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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