Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
