I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
