I will die if light touches me.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You are a genius and a whore.
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