When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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