OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
