That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My ATM looks so different sober.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Randomize
