a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
