chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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