I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
