He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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