i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
