i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
