If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
