There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
