I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
