I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
