Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We're too hungover to prance.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
