Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
