ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
