I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
