My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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