Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
