I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
no you cant smoke seaweed
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
