there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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