I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
