Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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