I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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