just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
