At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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