Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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