Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
