I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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