were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
