Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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