i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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