xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
