My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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