First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
