My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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