Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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