To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
