No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
