i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.