god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
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HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.