that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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