After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
