Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
