I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
