You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
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Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
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When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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